A guest post from Cuss

AbsoluteWrite Blog Chain February 2014 – Characters writing about Authors.

I ain’t one bit happy about doin’ this.

She told me I ain’t allowed to lie, and I can’t just draw a picture because the rules say it has to be words.

She says they ain’t her rules, but this is her blog, right?

I think she might be lyin’.

It’s her dang writers’ group, so how’d I wind up havin’ to do the writing here?

I’m gonna start me a blog and have her write a “guest post” and see how she likes it.

Her name ain’t Sixpence, for a start. It’s Orla. She says Orla means “golden one” in Irish, but I looked it up once in a dictionary. Said there it meant “to retch”, that’s when you’re fixin’ to puke. I ain’t kidding neither, you can go look it up yourself.

That’s kind of how I feel when she makes me read some of the stuff she’s wrote down about me. My throat gets all tight and my mouth gets to waterin’. I fake up a smile and scoot before she can ask me what I think.

What I think is that it’s embarrassin’.

I swear, she needs to get out more. Ain’t healthy to be spendin’ all day with her butt in a chair thinkin’ about things she ain’t got no business thinkin’ about. Writin’ down all the things I do and say like I’m some kind of social science project. Puttin’ my business out there for folk to peck over. Ain’t I had enough of that already? I mean, sure, I’m more interestin’ than she is, but that ain’t no reason to follow me around with a notebook.

There was this one day I read this post on here and my eyes about bugged out of my head. I even snuck away when she wasn’t lookin’ to check on her meds. I was sure she’d quit takin’ her crazy pills and zoomed straight from bein’ sorta normal into needin’ an intervention. Zero to cuckoo in 30 seconds flat. I ain’t sure I’d want to be around if she got for real crazy.

Anyways, I ended up askin’ her to take that post down. Nonsense about how I talk and whether it would bother people. I talk how I talk. Period. Pourin’ out some mess of words about it on to the internet ain’t gonna change nothin’. Just made her look like a plain fool, beggin’ for folk to take her as stupid-serious as she was takin’ herself. I told her so and she even said I was right, but she flat-out would not take it down. Said somethin’ about needin’ to be able to laugh at herself.

Weird.

She is weird, I guess, and old too. I mean, she’s not grandma old or nothin’, but she ain’t young neither. And wearin’ hoodies and jeans and sneakers and those Tank Girl t-shirts all the time won’t change that. Frickin’ Tank Girl, that was one dumbass movie. And FOR THE LAST TIME I ain’t going to read the damn comics. Ain’t there some law that says you stop reading comic books BEFORE you turn 40? Ain’t no wonder she’s single. With a cat. And no, his name ain’t Sixpence neither.

She says she don’t mind that none, the bein’ single. Says she’s fine with not havin’ kids too. Says the cat’s enough to worry about. Even if he’s mostly just asleep.

Besides, if she had kids, she wouldn’t have half so much time to waste playin’ video games. She tries to tell me that playin’ games ain’t a waste of time, that you can learn stuff from ‘em and that they’re good for your brain. I ain’t buyin’ that. You ever see a 41-year-old the mornin’ after a late-night gaming session? Not pretty. Ain’t enough coffee in the world to jolt the blear off of her.

Coffee, that’s another thing she’s weird about. Ain’t no talking to her ‘til she’s filled and sunk that big ole mug on her desk twice over. Can’t talk to her if she’s readin’ neither, but that’s just normal.

I guess maybe, if I think on it, that stuff ain’t all that weird.

I might be bein’ kinda hard on her on account of how she’s makin’ me write this.

She’s okay.

She makes a mean cup of coffee.

She built herself a computer, and it works real good.

She never does take offense when I get sarcastic at her.

She don’t hold grudges neither. Says they’re a waste of energy.

She taught me to cuss in four different languages. Putain de merde bordel fait chier. That one’s French, and it’s nasty.

She never, ever, calls me Abigail. Not even when she’s mad at me.

And she won’t mess with this none, not even the mean parts.

Cuss, February 2014.

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15 thoughts on “A guest post from Cuss

  1. Hey Alex, I ain't seen but the first Matrix movie. She said the other ones weren't as good. I probably shouldn't have listened, huh? I asked her just now and she said he's a skinny French dude who does somethin' weird with chocolate cake. That sound right to you? Thanks for coming by to say hey to me!
    – Cuss

  2. I see that Cuss used the same bad swears as the Merovingian from The Matrix Reloaded. That's what comes of having a creator who is a bit of a geek–and I should know 🙂

    1. Hi Nulli, I guess you have a right to be mad. We prolly all do. I just feel guilty if I blow up on someone, and it happens real fast. I get real mad and then I get real sorry, like that. I been away a few days because she's been writin' and keepin' me busy. I ain't right sure I approve of all she has goin' on, but I ain't got much say in the matter. I bet you know how that feels, huh?
      – Cuss

    1. Hey Lady Cat, thank you for sayin' that. I sometimes get in trouble for bein' honest, so I am gonna print that there comment off and point at it any time that happens!
      – Cuss

  3. Hey there,

    Takes all sorts, I guess! I'm glad to hear from someone who has a writer that don't sit plum in the middle of my Venn diagram! Gotta say though, this butt-sitting all day that they do can't be healthy neither. At least mine went out walkin' this mornin', but I reckon that was just for some peace and quiet and not for exercisin'. She claims to be allergic to that.
    Great to meet you and thanks for stoppin' by!

    – Cuss

  4. Hey Cuss! My writer, well she needs tea in the morning to wake up and is lucky she knows how to use a computer. She sits in her chair all day long too, only I think she is working. If she would just let me go and play…

  5. Cuss! Orla sounds just like my writer. Lots of coffee and built a computer too. Now, if she'd sit behind it and write my story!

    Gage

    1. Hey there Gage,
      I think some science folks should do them some kinda study about coffee and computer-makin' and wrtitin'. If I drew me a Venn diagram about it it'd be like lookin' at an eclipse 😉 I hope she takes you and your sis down offa that shelf soon.

      – Cuss

  6. Man, I'm only 22 and the thought of someday having to give up comics once I reach a certain age is both hilarious and scary. I mean c'mon, the months will still pass and the stories will still continue and I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO DEADPOOL DAMNIT!
    And chicks in comics are hot.
    -Drow Konran, from Q's brain.

    1. Hey Drow,

      Hope you got my note. I read some about Deadpool and I'm gonna ask her to get me some comics. Might make it a peace offerin' if I stop bein' mad at her for not lettin' me play with guns or fire or magic. I bet she'll be all silly-happy about me readin' a comic book, and Deadpool does look like a badass.

      – Cuss.

  7. Cuss, it's a pleasure to meet you. This is Arryn from over at "Sneaky's" place. (Dumbest name ever!) Anyway, we should all get together sometime. I'm sure we could bitch and moan for hours on end about these douches. I think making us write about them is a bit on the vain side, but what the hell do I know? You should check out Drow over at Q's place. He kills me! Anywho, kuddos to you for puttin' up with her crap and bigger kuddos for joining us in writing this month. I know it wasn't easy, but it also gave us the chance to vent and say whatever we wanted and they can't do a damn thing about it!

    –Arryn

    1. Hey Arryn,

      I left you a message at Sneaky's place, but I done forgot to ask if you could maybe teach me some fire stuff?
      I got like a bug in my brain about it now.
      She just told me I ain't gettin' no magic or weapons and I'm pissed about it.
      I ain't talkin' to her now, and I take back all them nice things I said.
      All this crap we done got to put up with, ain't fair.

      1. Oh I'll teach you some fire shit. I'll even go one better and teach you a few other things I've learned over the years. You seem like you have thick skin kid, and you're going to need it hanging out with me.

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